Non-Jews are for practice
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
