he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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