You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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