3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
