the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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