I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
