Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
