Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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