how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
