I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
