my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were trust falling into bushes
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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