We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
