The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
