I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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