we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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