Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
