There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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