My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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