Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it's great music for shaving your balls
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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