I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
