if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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