She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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