White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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