god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
and you fell through a lawn chair
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
