hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
