I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
