I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
