he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
