12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
