The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
