I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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