and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
