I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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