he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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