worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
