I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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