His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
