i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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