90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Found your dick twin last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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