We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
