meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
