she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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