i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
