The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i've created a new STD.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
