Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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