I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he fucked my hip out of place.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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