she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
