You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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