there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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