so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
