omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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