Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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