Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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