my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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