Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
