She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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