I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
